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The Healing Process

Emotional Support, Compassionate Friends
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Snarfbladder
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Snarfbladder » Wed Aug 05, 2009 7:21 am

Another book that may help with the healing process is Honoring the Self: Self-Esteem and Personal Tranformation by Nathaniel Branden - a good book on self esteem and letting go of guilt, and one that is also quoted a number of times in the Codependency series.

It is good to know that several books are being worked on, directly on subject.
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Re: The Healing Process

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Pinky
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Pinky » Wed Aug 05, 2009 5:29 pm

Another aspect of healing, probably the final stage, is getting back into circulation. To not be fearful is to give up being a victim.

I get asked all the time, are there any safe dating web sites? Sadly there are hardly any, but we hope that what you've learned here is enough to protect yourself and to recognize a scammer when you see one. I would like to tell you of one though, but I don't want to sound like an advertisement.

Marisa, the founder of this site, is the owner of a dating site. In fact, RomanceScam.com grew from DatingNMore.com. She noticed from the very beginning that false profiles were being created on her site and rather than invest large sums of money in national and global advertising to attract more members, she chose to find ways to fight, expose and keep out the scammers - the ones who she could see were contacting multiple members with the same scripted format.

Now the big sites like Match.com and EHarmony, they spam the internet, radio and TV with expensive advertising and testimonials of people who found their true love online. They are fully aware of the love scammers on their sites and could easily tell who is who and delete them - if they wanted to. But the fact is, they don't want to clean house and drastically reduce their membership rolls.

The large sites charge members up to $60 a month in fees, hoping the high prices will keep the scammers out, but we know it does not. The scammers use phished or stolen credit cards to open their accounts. By the time the charges are reversed and their memberships are closed, their damage is done. They've harvested their targets. What I find most reprehensible about this is that the sites like EHarmony and Match, know full well this is going on. They could get phone numbers of card holders and confirm purchases. They could notify all the targeted members that the scammer has contacted, that the scammer used a stolen card. They could ban proxy users. They could even block scammer IP addresses, or all African IP addresses in general. Sure this might stop a select few of legitimate African members from getting on, but perhaps if their entire continent was banned, the honest people would act to condemn their fellow dishonest citizens. There is a lot they could do - but they don't. Instead they raise their membership fees to compensate for the cost the scammers add. In that sense, their members PAY TO BE SCAMMED!

Marisa saw what was going on. She cares. She's a single woman too. For a while she did charge a modest membership fee, but she was focusing so long and hard to keep out the scammers and protect her members, that her membership count was too low to attract much interest. Instead of allowing the scammers in, she continued the fight against them and dropped the membership fee. She resorted to sponsor advertisements on the pages to support the site. However the free membership is now a bigger lure to the scammers. Still she has devised many ways to fight them.

So . . . here comes the advertisement: If you want to get back into circulation and test the waters of online flirting and relationships, I highly recommend DatingNMore.com. And tell your friends too! The only way to build the site membership is to ADVERTISE and Marisa doesn't have the resources to compete with the big guns. So we have to be her advertisers.

Currently the only disadvantages (that I see) over at DNM is that the membership is top heavy with females and nearly all of them have joined the site because of this one, so you'll find that most everyone over there has had an unpleasant experience with a scammer. But you will find REAL and honest people who are looking for that special someone that they can connect with.

The last bit of advice I want to give is - get a web cam if you don't have one already. If you begin an online relationship with someone long distance, this is your best defense against the scammers. Do not accept excuses of poverty preventing them from owning one or replacing one that's 'broken'. Do you really want to support someone in a relationship that won't expend $25 for you? On cam, if they're motionless or always wearing the same clothing or repeating the same movements, ask them to hold up a sign with your name on it. Yes, there are a few scammers out there who have learned how to fake a web cam session - but they can't do it consistently.

Men, still be cautious even with web cams because there are Russian and Ukrainian men who pimp females on cam for the men they’re scamming. Filipino women do this too. Ultimately the best and 100% effective means of not losing money is to NEVER SEND MONEY TO SOMEONE YOU DON’T KNOW UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL.

Again, to not be fearful is to give up being a victim. We must not let criminals and dishonest people destroy our hopes and dreams and chances for true happiness. Getting back into circulation will help to fully heal our broken hearts.
If your question isn't answered in the FAQ, please message a green Moderator or red Admin. We need to know.

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Re: The Healing Process

Postby wayne » Wed Aug 05, 2009 10:54 pm

I can only really add one thing to what Pinky said, and that's to explain what measures are done to stop scammers there. So this is how it works. Firstly, we have a file almost 100 pages long with every scammer IP address or IP range we've ever come across in the almost 5 years DNM has been running for. If you're on that list then you're not getting in. Simple as that. Of course they can still try to sneak in using a proxy, but every person that joins has their details checked to see if they have a spam message in their profile, if their IP address matches where they claim to be and if it's listed anywhere as being used for scams/spams. This is done manually for every single person that joins, and it's no mean feat. I know, because I've worked that part of the site myself on occasion. Now, still 1 or 2 may sneak in using a new proxy, so we also watch for suspicious PM behaviour. Send too many PMs in one go and it's a guaranteed sign you're a scammer or spammer, so you get booted. We know how many a normal person would send, and if you go over it we kick you off. Remember, scammers and spammers hit hard and fast, so they're easy to spot by their behaviour. It's a lot of work, but it does mean that DNM is the safest dating site I know of, and the only one I'd ever recommend to people.

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SnowRose
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby SnowRose » Fri Aug 07, 2009 3:52 pm

Hello fellow victims!

It really hurts when you trust somebody because you had been naive and thought that everybody are just as honest as we are. Time will come that you will realize that being a victim now is not really as bad as we think. It teaches us a lesson to make us be aware so that there will be no next time for these evil beings. The only thing that I can think of as very humiliating is our falling in love to the man in the picture we thought is the man we had been communicating with .

Then at the end we found out that he is just an evil scammer. :twisted: But to comfort ourselves, think of the good times he gave us. Think of the laughs you had with him. He taught us how it feels to have dreams. Lets forget for a while that he was just a scammer. :twisted: Remember? It was not the the scammer we fall in love with. We fall in love to the man in the picture. The person whom we thought was the one behind those nice telephone conversations, sms and poetry. A nice, caring ang thougthful person. We know that relationships even for people who knew each other since childhood can also go wrong. It went wrong with our relationship this time. Yes it was an expensive affair. A divorce to a person we were married with is also expensive. Can we think the same way like this? Nothing is cheap these days. As what they said "Better try and fail than never try at all". We tried and thought that somewhere over there is the right person for us. Then we made a mistake, we were spellbounded by these evil beings. Who knows one day, we will meet the person we are seeking for. "Seek and you will find". Not a scammer next time! Then we will just make a laugh for these sad experiences we had. :lol: :lol: :lol: Yes to forget the sad experience is very hard but let us try. Okay? Money can be replaced. Anyway money is oftentimes the source of evil doings. It also hurts when others says that we who are victims to these scammers deserve it. No one deserved to be scammed not me, not anybody! :mad: We are not greedy, we are just kind, trustful and honest people whom these evil scammers like to take advantage of. Promise me fellow victims we have learned a lesson and we now know how they operate so there will be no next time for a scammer to make a fool of us! :applause: Okay? :applause:

Yours very sincerely,
A victim now but this is the first time and don't count for a second time you scammers!
Last edited by SnowRose on Sun Aug 09, 2009 9:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Pinky
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Pinky » Fri Aug 07, 2009 5:25 pm

That's awesome dbbk! You're an example to us all! Thank you for your inspiration.
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby SnowRose » Sat Aug 08, 2009 12:28 pm

That's awesome dbbk! You're an example to us all! Thank you for your inspiration.
Hello Pinky!
DBBK is just a realist never been a dreamer but a scammer taught me how it feels to have dreams and it was the most expensive school I ever enrolled. :lol: :lol: :lol: Now I got my Masters Degree on Scammers Hunting a diploma I can add to my other degrees. :applause: :applause: :applause:
Take care of youself! We are not losers. The scammers are the losers because they lost us. An honest, decent, thoughtful, caring, loving ,trustworthy human being. A kind of person one can count on in so many ways.They don't deserve a single thought after what they did. We will just try to block our minds to be able to forget these ugly scammers.
Scammers watch your steps! You'll never taste heaven with me but the opposite!

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Re: The Healing Process

Postby SnowRose » Mon Aug 17, 2009 2:14 pm

Hello everybody! :)

When it comes to these scammers , to begin with, I thought that when I read a letter similar to that my scammer sent to me I immediately thought "This is the same person as my scammer". Now I realized that these evil beings :twisted: are just using the same ready made manuscripts. They were taught to be experts in these copy and paste methods because this is the first thing they have to learn in their scammer recruits school to be able to woe their victims . Most of them work in groups. That is why we can find the similarity of their letters. Now I can see that we are not dealing with a single person we are really dealing with an organized crime. Maybe there are few who works alone so that they have nobody to share their loots.

These men and women are members of these army of swindlers. They are evils, ruthless, wicked, liars, you name it! We innocent and trustful people are their victims. :cry: :cry: :cry: How could we fight these crime? The only thing I could think of is to try to be aware that these evil beings exist. I learned their existence in an expensive way. But as we know, the best way to learn is through experience. I experienced, then I learned! I know that I did a stupid thing when I visited UK to meet my scammer. Luckily he was not in UK when I was there because his station is Malaysia . Which I did not knew before, before I found RS. I now realized that I was exposing myself to dangers but doing such thing was a blessing in disguise for me because it opened my eyes that the person I thought I fall in love with doesn't exist at all! Behind those nice letters, sms, and nice and happy telephone conversations is a SCAMMER! :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

I just hope that people out there will not ruin their economy. Luckily I did not do it. But I could have given my money to some other needy and unfortunate ones. One that really needs it. I myself, is not very particular about money. As long as I have something for my daily needs then I am satisfied with my life. I am always generous that is why I am not rich and will never be rich. When somebody needs a dollar, I give them two because I feel very sorry to those who have nothing and I have more. Then this scammer found me. I was not a bad investment for him. All in all he got something like a 5- 10 years salary for an ordinary African employee just from me in a couple of months. But these evil scammers loves to live in luxury at the expense of us honest people. So maybe the loots he took from me just disappeared in a matter of days.
As of now I already discovered all his lies. :liar: :liar: :liar: The healing process is a difficult process but I am trying to forget my sad experience. My scammer doesn't know that I now know he is a scammer. I am just playing games with him. Just to make him busy on me and will not be very busy finding another innocent victim. He still sends those sms, emails, nice poetry (copied ones for sure), calls me but I never pick up the phone and begging me to call him through sms and emails. But I have decided that I will no longer use a single cent to talk to him. Yes, I tried many times to let his phone ring in the middle of the night just to spoil his good night sleep. :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: And it amuses me! He once called me wicked, evil being because I did not helped him out with his last money problems. (Daughter in the hospital with inflammed apendicitis) Poor baby! I who have the money turned my back when they needed me most! :lol: :lol: :lol: But After a while he came back and told me " I still love you as before and nobody can take your place in my heart". :liar: :liar: :liar: I am still of value for him because he knows I have my pay check every month which he thinks I can share with him. All these sad experiences can be forgotten, time will come. Thinking about revenge will just make things worst for us victims and it will make the healing process more difficult and complicated. For me, playing games with my scammer is more rewarding. Because he is not the one fooling me. I am fooling him now. He deserves to be fooled! :)
Scammers watch your steps! You'll never taste heaven with me but the opposite!

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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Pinky » Mon Aug 17, 2009 4:59 pm

Oh . . . you should at least tell him you dumped him because you found out he had a tiny penis. :mrgreen:
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby SnowRose » Tue Aug 18, 2009 6:26 am

Oh . . . you should at least tell him you dumped him because you found out he had a tiny penis. :mrgreen:
You know Pinky? You made me laugh very early in the morning when I opened your qoute :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: . You brighetened up my day! :D :D :D I will just do that and many more! Thanks and take care!
Scammers watch your steps! You'll never taste heaven with me but the opposite!

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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Smokintabby » Tue Sep 15, 2009 1:19 pm

Hello
I have just been reading all the postings here and I now realise that I am not alone, all this time I felt so isolated. and unable to talk to any one ashamed that I had been so gullible, and like Anne-Marie I have isolated myself from every one it is almost like an addiction and the saddest part is I can hear his voice in my mind every day and my own voice saying what if?
I cry but it only helps for a little while, and then it all comes back I can sit in a room full of people and still feel so isolated I should have know better. Ok he didnt get much out of me but it has gone totally against my principle, and yes I fell in lust with his photo I thought it was love but it cant be, but the thing is it isnt his face and I know that whoever the person is in the photo they are as much a victim to this as I am.
I thought putting a name to the face would help give me closure, but what good would that do and so now I feel like a mosquito trapped in amber and frozen in a moment in time, and I dont want to be stuck here I want to move on but I just dont know how to. I feel so many emotions sadness, anger, guilt, rage, a need to get revenge, but what good would that do.
I know if I can stop at least one person from falling in to the same trap then that is one person less who will suffer the pain anguish and heart ache, but it seems that is just a drop in the ocean compared to the number of people who this has happened to.
Is there any way to move on, I have blocked him but he still texts and rings me I dont answer but its tearing me apart because I can hear this voice inside me going what if? what if he is real, I checked his Ip addresses right from the start and the ones at the beginning are US and the ones now are from Ghana so I know I am right and he is a fake and I fell in love with a dream, but how can I silence the voices in my mind saying what if and his voice how do I get over this and move forward? I dont want to be stuck in the moment but there is no one I can talk to, please can someone help? I have tried to be strong by reporting him and the other scammers who tried and failed but I feel I am falling apart and I dont want to end up back where I was
I think I have rambled on long enough its not easy to admit I was so very wrong but where can I find some help please
Sarah/Smokintabby
Calleigh-Sarah-Investigates

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Pinky
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Pinky » Tue Sep 15, 2009 10:39 pm

I understand. You have my sympathy and compassion and probably the compassion and sympathy of everyone here, but we can't fix this for you. It will take time. You didn't get into the relationship over night. The scammer took his time with you. Take some time here - at least as much time as you put into the relationship with the scammer, and things will become easier and easier every day. The best way I know of to heal a broken heart is to share and help others who've had the same experience. It will make you feel better. I promise you.
If your question isn't answered in the FAQ, please message a green Moderator or red Admin. We need to know.

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Re: The Healing Process

Postby mona75 » Wed Sep 16, 2009 10:27 am

Hello everybody...

I am still in shock because I just discovered my scammer yesterday... I could say that I was lucky because we had chat for only a month. I was revising some pages and just suddenly found huge amount of pages about Internet dating scams. Today I just wait for him to come online because he is just asking for money now...and I realise it is really happening. It is easier when I know I am not alone and I don't think anyone is stupid neither me. My problem is that I sent him about 7 photos of myself and I just hope he will not use it in some scams, and also I do hope he didn't had some software to take some screenshots of my web camera. I am happy that I discovered him on time and did not send him any money or packages. I told this story to my friends and still can't believe it happend to me.

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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Pinky » Wed Sep 16, 2009 11:41 am

I am sorry you were scammed and hurt but glad you found us in time. I am thrilled you are willing to tell and warn others.
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby mona75 » Wed Sep 16, 2009 12:59 pm

Thank you so much Pinky!
I am glad I find you! I already post messages about him because he has new email and name.
Thanks for support!

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Re: The Healing Process

Postby zetaarnold » Wed Sep 16, 2009 7:30 pm

WELCOME TO SMOKINTABBY AND MONA :)
I just want to say that you are no alone. Do not feel ashamed, nor guilty. You are good people who found a bad one. It is takes time to understand it and to heal, but you can count on us. Take care of yourselves and keep smiling.
"Something is rotten in the state of Denmark..." Shakespeare

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