Here comes my next part. I am sorry that it took me so long to translate, but I have been very busy the last 2 weeks. You know, the changes in my life. They are not over yet. In fact, they have just begun
April 16 to April 30, 2013
April 16, 2013
Again, I am not feeling fine. Right now, I don’t even want any man. After yesterday, when this dumbass from the Munich singles called me more or less fat, I am feeling depressed again. The only man I want is Travis. But what if I never meet him? What would happen if I get to know him, and I am too old, too fat for him and he will not fall in love with me? What if he is happily married? This is quite likely anyway. What, if he's no longer alive? Where and how should I find a nice guy? No “slimaniac” and no scammer. A decent guy, who is still fit and active. A man, who is not only looking for sex, but who wants to have an honest relationship with a good looking, fit and active woman. What about my goals? Are they no longer reachable at my age? Did I set my standards too high? But I want to fall in love again! It is no use to take the next man who is showing up, just because I have a last minute panic. I could just cry out loud. Travis, Oh Travis! Why only did I have to fall in love with you? Why did Phillip M. have to take your photos and not of someone who was less attractive? Yesterday I read again the mails between the "diplomat" and me. I felt so sick afterwards, felt so much hatred for these scumbags. And I was such a fool to fall for this, just because I was looking for love. How could they do that to me? What did I do to deserve this? What kind of a.holes are sitting in Ghana and wanting just one thing, your money! Today I have that tight knot in my stomach again, I feel so desperate. Last night I felt so good, when I tried on my summer clothes and all were too big or did fit just fine. What doesn't fit is my red ball gown. A few inches and it will fit again. It looked good on me and I compared it with my photo, taken in 1987 I think, when I was wearing this dress the last time. I was just 31 years old by that time. But there was not much difference between now and the last time I was wearing that dress. I didn’t change much, I beamed with delight, and I felt young again. I was so happy yesterday.
Many thoughts are going through my mind. I still want to change my life, make it a better one. But I am still stuck in my grief.
Would dating be better on a site like ElitePartner or Parship? Maybe better people are there and no scammers! Or could my Ambassador M. or P. be the right partners for me? I don’t even know M. until now.
But visualization is important. I want to have the power to change my life. I not only want to visualize what I will do when I meet Travis, but I also want to visualize the changes in my life without Travis. I'm important, not Travis.
During my lunch time I was sitting in the park and reading a new book: "Be good to you - we need you" and my colleague joined me. She saw what I was reading and had an unqualified opinion right away. She has no idea how much I need such advice at the moment!
April 17, 2013
This stupid guy from the Munich singles! If he wants such a meager person, he should better look for a guy. I would only speak out of pure envy. This dumbass doesn’t have to tell me how I have to look. I will cancel my membership with the Munich singles. Only a bunch of idiots are there.
This Ambassador is not sending any messages. Well, I will not contact him again. Either he contacts me or I will forget about it. He is quite of a weird guy, very strange. But maybe P. will call again. He is also nice and I like him.
But otherwise I have no great desire for any dates at the moment. I have to take care of myself. I am important. Maybe later I'll register at PARSHIP or ElitePartner. There are maybe better guys there. On the other hand, the Canadian Web site where asshole Phillip M. is registered would not be that bad either. I want so much to go to Canada and see Travis. He is still my number One. I let my fantasy play all the time. If just one part would become true! I need only Travis' love, nothing more. Every day I look if I find a message coming from him or I get contacted by the IC3 or the Canadian Anti Fraud Centre. But until now, nothing so far. I don’t think that they will ever contact me. Well, I have to wait. Maybe somebody will post something in my thread at romancescam. Phillip M. is by the way back online, after he wasn’t for at least 2 weeks. I should take a look in his Skype profile, how much contacts he has now.
April 19, 2013
This Ambassador M. wrote it would be better if I would come to Bolzano for a longer weekend (he lives there), so we could have more time to get to know each other. I replied that maybe on the next holiday in May I could come and we would have 4 days we could spend together. Also, the weather is pretty bad here and it would be perhaps nicer in Bolzano. Anyway, he replied that he is really curious and wants to know me. Well, again nothing this weekend and I have to wait again (sigh). I took the 10th of May off and I hope we can meet then in Bolzano. I will send him a message this morning and await his reply. He is not the fastest to respond.
I was very careful this week with my diet program. I took only my Herbalife and little to eat. Let's see what the scale says tomorrow. Ever since this idiot from the Munich Singles has called me fat, I feel depressed; think of myself of being fat again. I am now considering if I should lose another 10 kg. If my chances with men are bigger if I am really slim, maybe I should take the chance. And my red dress does not fit yet. And I want to wear that dress again, it has to fit again!
April 21, 2013
At the moment I am waiting constantly to receive a sign of Travis, either an email or a phone call. But nothing, so far. I always think that something should happen. Why? Because it is my wish? Because I am thinking about this the whole time?
Next weekend I'm going with K. on a shopping tour. I need at least 1 or 2 skirts for this spring. I have not one skirt which fits me, they're all too big. Also I want to buy some nice lingerie in the outlet store. Maybe I go Thursday after work. I want to be chic and sexy. Suddenly, going shopping is fun again, only because I lost 12 kg!
It would be funny if I would register at weight watchers again and see my weight when I started 3 years ago, which was 96 kg (omg!) and now I have 75 kg, a loss of 21 kg
. And maybe I will lose another 10 kg. That would be great! Go for it, you can do it!
M. just wrote me that he went to Lake Garda to the Lefay Resort because of the bad weather in Bolzano. I have taken a look of this resort at google maps. Wow, what a nice resort and the area at Lake Garda is also beautiful and just 2 hours by car from Bolzano. And he is going there for 3 days, just like this! He wrote me that he deserves this and he needs to take some time off. He is coming back on Wednesday and is looking forward to our first conversation. Well, let’s see! Think big, think positive! Sometimes I have doubts if he is really what he says and if he is not out of my league. But on the other side I don’t want men where I am out of their league, like this one guy who told me this. I am well educated, eloquent, good looking, I have much to offer, I can compete with him. I hope he is looking for such a woman and not only a good looking housewife. But somehow this man is a mystery. He is too handsome to need to look for a woman at Friendscout. Why does he do that? I am really curious to hear his voice.
Don’t play small, don’t belittle yourself, I have so much to offer, I'm not a superficial woman, but an honest and loving woman. The man I will love should consider himself lucky. I am not after someone’s money. If I love somebody, I love him the way he is. Maybe M. is afraid that the women are only after his money. Probably he had bad experiences.
I tried again my old clothes. No skirt suits me more, all much too large. I tried even my blue ball gown, which I wore on my 50th birthday, which is a size 18 and which was even too tight at my birthday. And now it is just falling down
. I have to try to sell it at eBay; it is too nice to give it away just like this. My other two-piece ball gown that I bought 2 years ago fits now very good. The skirt is a little bit too big, but the top fits well. I can definitely keep it. But my favorite is my red ball gown from the 80s. I want to fit in again.
April 22, 2013
Today, I logged in at Friendscout, haven’t done this for quite some time. I am not a premium member anymore. I can no longer see who wants to meet me. But the last 3 people who clicked on me are shown. And there was the picture of a man in the mountains hiking. I looked closely at the picture and found out that it was M. from Bolzano. He changes his pictures the whole time. His body looks nice, athletic and well built. Of course, he had again the typical sunglasses on and the picture was taken from further away, so I couldn’t recognize him right away.
This Jason sent me a message with whatsApp, telling me he would be online this evening, but he did not come online until now. He is also kind of weird. Is he a scammer or not?
Now I am listening again to my favorite song. To hear this song does not hurt me that much anymore, because it is connected mainly with Phillip M. and with the whole trouble I had with him, not with Travis. I still have my favorite picture of Travis in my frame, so I can look at it every time I want to. I still want to find him, but when I think, I start looking for him; I finish before even beginning with my search. No, he has to find me. Maybe he has already found me, but did not contact me yet. It would be nice if he would do that. But on the other hand, I'm far too eager and curious to know M. from Bolzano.
April 23, 2013
I extended my premium membership at Friendscout. 3 Months for a 1month payment. I thought that it’s worth it.
I got contacted by somebody called “isnice890” (without photo). He gave me his email address. I looked immediately on romancescam, whether he is online. His avatar is a picture of St. J. I was in stitches, I couldn’t help. The poor St. J.! I sent this guy a mail. He wanted to send me photos. Maybe he has some new pictures of St. J. So far I have received nothing, but he is offline.
Poor Daniel tries to reach me on the phone all the time. But he is not coming through, as I've blocked him. Maybe he will try to contact me under a different pseudonym or he's trying to call me from another phone. He will not succeed. He should not even bother to call me, I would recognize his voice and I would hang up immediately, and I know many photos that the scammers use and I know where to look. Maybe he would try to use a photo of St. J. He could use pictures of Sir J. St. or maybe Gen. Odierno (haha), or perhaps even of Guttenberg. Of which, I've seen photos used by a scammer. What kind of dumbass is this, using photos of Guttenberg? Why not taking pictures of President Obama instead!
I am reading the profile of M. He is 45 and he wants only honest messages, speaks German, English, French and Italian. His profile says he is living in Switzerland. I had no idea that Bolzano is in Switzerland
. He writes: "No fake people", Yes, I can agree, I don’t want fake people either. He also writes: "it's nice to be important, but more important to be nice", and that he is honest and nice.
April 24, 2013
Daniel sent me a text message, urging me to call him. He also sent me mail which came through, why ever. He asked why I didn’t send him the money; I would have told him that I would do that. I answered that I had warned him that if he would ever ask me again for money, I would block him immediately and that’s what I have done. I also told him that this would be my last mail, too, and I would no longer respond neither on Skype, email or mobile phone. He tried again to contact me by phone, but didn’t come through. I have to check if I have blocked him on my email-account. I will never send money to Ghana, no, no, no and no.
I have posted this James B., who is using photos of St. J., at romancescam. I also have to report him at Friendscout because he is still registered. Today, he has sent me two e-mails, that he's now on his way to Kabul and it would be a six hours flight and called me "my love". We did not exchange more than 3 words and he is calling me “my love”
. He gave me his Skype address. It would be interesting to know if he has more pictures of St. J. Slowly, I know the whole curriculum vitae of St. J.
April 25, 2013
It is not bad, to read from time to time read through everything I have written down since the last few months.
Tomorrow afternoon, I am meeting a man called P. G. He clicked on my profile several times already at Friendscout. I had never replied because his motto is: "Whether blond, whether brown, I love all women" and he did not want to settle down. He is also a member of “my.herzblatt.de” and clicked on me as well. He is not bad looking, maybe a bit overweight, let's wait and see. We will meet at the Café around the corner. This is very good, because I only have one hour, before I have to go to my dance classes.
I am always thinking if I should send a mail to M. to tell him when he can reach me best on my cellphone. But I don’t want to chase him. I prefer to wait if he will give me a call.
This scammer James B., using photos St. J., sent me an email again. He has now arrived in "Kabul". He was previously in Hohenfels (funny, how many people were stationed there). In my imagination, Travis is stationed there as well; it would not be so far away from Munich. This James writes love letters to me, as if we had chatted or talked on the phone every day for the last 3 weeks. But we had almost no contact at all. But I will add him on Skype; I want to chat with him, at least for some time. But first, I must delete my cell phone number. None of these Ghanaian a..holes should see my number. I give it only to selected people. Otherwise, I will have again a clingy fool like this Daniel.
This Jason H.'s a mystery to me. He is not online for days, and suddenly a message is coming on whatsApp. But I don’t contact him, if he wants something, he has to call.
April 28, 2013
A lot has happened again the last few days. First, M. from Bolzano called me yesterday. We talked a while on the phone; I should come to Bolzano for 3 days in May, bring my sleeping bag with me, since he wants to make a tour in the mountains with me and want to stay in the open air. That is so cool. His voice is quite nice. He gave me his Skype name, I have added him, but he is not online at the moment. I will now be online more often; I don't want to miss him. I am really looking forward to chat with him.
On Friday I met with this P. in the Café. He looks a bit different than on his photo. He told me that the photo was taken in 2008. He has lost some weight and his hair has become grey. He is quite nice, we had a nice conversation and maybe we will meet again.
But my number 1 at the moment is M. from Bolzano.
Well, this Jason H. is a scammer after all. He sent me an email today that he is in Ghana now! And he has given me a phone number in Ghana where I should call him. Dumbass. I told him that everybody seems to be in Ghana at the moment and that I have enough of all these black scammers from Ghana. I have saved all details I have received from him and blocked him afterwards. Dumb idiot!
This James B. has sent me a terrible mail, written in German with Google translation, horrible. He probably thinks he could impress me with this. I should better kick his a.. He is not St. J. (a pity), but another stupid Ghanaian a..hole anyway. Maybe somebody I chatted already with, although he has a voice I haven't heard yet. His English is not bad at all, but not good enough for someone who says he's coming from Florida (haha).
I am still waiting that M. comes online and accepts my request. But maybe he is on the road because the weather is nice.
Recently, I have received in French an invitation to register at Badoo. As soon I had done this, I received several messages from people wanting to chat with me. On Friday, I chatted with a man with webcam, he lives in Landsberg, not far from Munich. He wants to meet me next Thursday. He doesn’t look too bad.
An Arnoldo from Madrid has sent me a message in English. That was surely a scammer, because he didn’t reply when I sent him something in Spanish. Normally, if somebody talks in your mother tongue, the people are pleased. And he asked me a lot of questions, typical of a scammer, like what you are seeking in a relationship and all that stuff, things I have read a hundred times in the meantime. His written English was good, better than I would expect from somebody coming from Spain, at least without any spelling mistakes.
Yesterday I went shopping with my friend K. I bought 2 skirts, size 12! I also bought a fancy green dress, size 14, just going to my knees. With a nice tan in summer, it will look good. I also bought a top in green with white dots. It cost me only 10 Euro. I feel like pretty woman
. In the evening I have shown everything to my friends K. and R. My friend R. meant, I would look like a young girl, it would be just fantastic how much weight I had lost. It felt great. Especially the green dress looks so well. I'm taking this with me to Bolzano. Ah, if M. would come online soon! But why did I choose someone, who lives so far away? Hopefully, he will be coming to Munich from time to time. I write this as if we were already together.
But slowly, I get confused with all my contacts. I don’t remember to whom I told what
. But on the other hand, I am always telling the same things. So, this should not be a problem.
But this K. from Landsberg scares me. He writes nice, but something is weird. It seems that he likes me, on webcam he is looking at me with lovesick eyes. This is going too fast. What if he is a stalker and I will not get rid of him anymore? I ended the conversation, it scared me too much. I don’t like his eyes. And he never smiles.
I am no longer really thinking about Travis and I don’t write about him that much anymore. Right now, I am looking at my favorite picture and listen to my favorite songs. If I do this, it still hurts, but not that much anymore. Will I ever meet him? Recently, I looked at my Skype chat with Phillip M. of early February. I was so heartbroken at that time, though I knew that this is not the man of the pictures. And everything was coming back, hurting me once again, I immediately felt the despair. It was not a pleasant feeling. I closed the Skype chat; I didn’t want to continue reading it. These hypocritical words Phillip M. sent me, how much he loves me, this a..hole!
Oh, I just could be lost into Travis hazelnut eyes, kiss his lips and never stop. His eyes are so intense; they will never let me go.
Don’t think too much of Travis, I am through the worst already! My new lover is waiting to meet me, soon I will be in love again and this time more than ever. And I will be loved again as I will love him, happily ever after. Now I will go to bed and dream; maybe of Travis.
April 29, 2013
Today, I am not in a particularly good mood. I have this song “Winter in Canada” in my head, I look at the picture of this lake in British Columbia where I want to go with my love and I feel even sadder. And that makes me realize that I am still alone and not in love. Although of course, M. from Bolzano is my number 1 at the moment and maybe I fall in love with him when I meet him. But I also hope that he will fall in love with me as well. I'm always afraid that someone will not love me, that I'm not lovable enough, not perfect enough. But I should not be perfect; I put myself under too much pressure. I should better tell myself, that I am adorable and that men will find me desirable and lovable. Who looks that good at my age? You have to search a long time to find somebody like me. Also I am a sensitive woman, I am honest and faithful, I love sex, I am well educated and I speak 5 languages, I have many good characteristics, I would be a good partner for every man, of course only for the one I want. I don’t have to look only at my deficiencies; but I have to see also my assets.
Oh, why did I have to register at Friendscout! It would have saved me of a lot of troubles and heartbreak. Sometimes it is difficult for me, to see the positive thing. Travis will probably be forever unreachable for me, I cannot even describe him as my almost lover. Last night in bed I tried to think of him, that he is contacting me. I failed! I only came so far in my imagination that I added him on Skype and then I fell asleep! And yet I am longing again for him. I'm sure if I try it again tonight, that it isn't going to work again.
Will I ever be standing at this lake in British Columbia? But I've seen me there in my fantasy journey.
Just reminds me that I must post the phone number scammer Jason sent me, on romancescam and also that he is a scammer.
James B. sent me a mail again. Wow, if that would only come from St. J. himself, I would immediately get on the next plane and fly to Florida. After all, this James B. has put St. J. to Florida, where the real man lives, and not anywhere else. But what I'm going to do with this him? Best drop him like a hot potato. I am just interested, what he will do to get money from me? Maybe I will go along with his game. And after that he will not hear anything from me anymore. He does not have to be aware that I know everything, that I know that he is not the man from the pictures. But it can’t be Phillip M, he should be aware that I know how to find this out. Phillip M. should not even dare to try anything with me again. Maybe the little scammer Daniel? No, this one has a different voice and a better English.
During my lunch hour I have listened to some of my favorite songs. When I hear "Almost lover" I see only Travis eyes. "Right here waiting for you" I see only Phillip M. even though I don’t know how this a..hole looks. But everything, his words, his emails, everything that happened since November 2012 is connected with Phillip M. Only when I hear “Almost lover”, “Winter in Canada”, I see Travis face, his eyes, and his sensual lips which I will never forget. The memory will die with me.
M. has added me on Skype, but he is not online. But he has his nice photo as his avatar. I will keep waiting, hope he comes online, and in the meantime continue with my diary.
April 30, 2013
I'm now registered on Badoo as well. There are even more scammers than at Friendscout. A M. Andersen contacted me and of course asked for my email. Today, I got a long email with "his" photo and a copy-and-paste text, I have read a hundred times in the meantime. Found him immediately on romancescam and posted him.
If I see this again, how many of these scumbags are there and how many photos are abused, my entire feelings for Travis are unreal. I must accept the truth. I'll never get to know him. He doesn't know me, he knows absolutely nothing about me, and he will definitely not look who stole his pictures again. I should only imagine how I would feel. I would look the first time I find out, but then I would continue with my life and no longer care about the whole thing, because I couldn’t change it anyway.
I must take care of myself, must stick to real people. I know what to look at in the meantime. That’s something I learned at least, and if somebody talks about his “undying love” after the first two mails, I know that this is fake anyway. M. does not do this and I tracked him, know that he is actually in Bolzano. Hopefully he will be coming online this evening and hopefully he has also a webcam so that I can chat with him "face to face". Yes, with him, I'm sure that he is the guy from the pictures, but I have to find out if he is Ambassador or not! I don't believe everything the people write in their profiles. But he probably is also fed up and tired about these "fake people" as I am. He will also see that I'm a normal woman, can probably imagine that I no longer look like 25 at the age of 56, but that I still look very good, with both feet on the ground. Maybe he prefers an older woman. But I want to see him directly, would like to know how he is, his smile, and his eyes. Not like this K. from Landsberg, who is rather scary to me. No, M. is different, I know it, I feel it.
I took now Travis picture out from my purse. It doesn’t help me, dragging it around. I still have Travis in my picture frame at home and it will stay there. I will only remove it, when I can put another picture in this frame.
Oh, I may never kiss you, Travis (sigh). A few weeks ago the thought alone has broken my heart, now I just think what a pity! But who knows, what more pleasant surprises life has for me. Yesterday I tried again to let my imagination run wild, that Travis contacted me, again didn't work out. I really hope that I am now finally over it, not that I will collapse again. But if this should actually work out with M., things will even get better.
"Good bye my almost lover, I will never forget you, you will always be in my heart and maybe someday we will meet, who knows! I wish you luck and happiness!"
I have taken Travis photo and thrown it in the trash. It did hurt a bit, but it's better this way.
This evening I was waiting for M. to come online. But he didn’t come online. What a pity
. Who knows, maybe he is in the mountains hiking. But a lot of scammers were eagerly waiting for me. At least someone who is glad when I come online
. This James B. with pictures of St. J. has outdone himself. He told me that I would be the woman of his life, that he wants to share the rest of his life with me, that he wants to come to Germany (in 3 weeks), wants to buy a home here and grow old with me. We were the perfect couple, he said, I would be his soul mate, blablabla. I also told him that he would look so good and I would proudly introduce him to my friends and would never let him go. Well, if that would be the real St. J., I could imagine this, he is such a cute guy. But who knows what mugu is sitting in front of his computer and is babbling at me. I am curious what he will do to get money from me. He must come up with something soon. He probably has a plan already and thinks he has it in the bag. You stupid a..hole, don't even think about it, ha. You will get nothing! If he is asking for money, I will block him so that he can no longer contact me. I want to get rid of him.
M. is important to me. Would it please him if he knew this? Would be interesting to know. Oh, why do I have to wait all the time? I would prefer to be 2 weeks older, then I would know at least.